Standing as Strong Survivors (S.A.S.S.)

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Comment by Beth Jukuri on November 28, 2011 at 7:52pm

 It is all really complicated....for the abused child is born in captivity if you will onto parents who more than likely were treated the same way and they called it normal family interactions and add to it religious beliefs and you have children who have a very backwards view of life, love and relationships.  

In order to stop the legacy, you need to leave the family's values and religious beliefs, for they both are the perfect environment for abuse.

Changing perceptions is extremely hard to do.

My siblings and even my mother couldn't change Father for Pedophile and there is not a common denominator between the two.  It was my belief, that if you tried to keep both, you would become twisted up.  

I chose pedophile and let the father die.  I no long have a relationship with him. 

My siblings want to do as my mother has for years, "Forgive" and move on....

returning back to their 'normal' relationship.  

And they do.  Normal to them is to be abuse and then forgive, for they love him that much...they will not draw a hard line.  I am estranged not only from my parents but from my siblings.

My family openly supported him in various ways, reducing his sentence, paying his defense fees, paying his bond, and now caring for him etc.  They can't see that it is aiding and abetting a criminal, but instead see it as loving a dad.

While it has been very hard to stand strong, especially going against family, It has also been what has healed me and helped me see that the only to stop abuse from continuing on, you have to make drastic changes.  

All my thoughts and beliefs about what is family, what is love, what is the true meaning of forgiveness....(Martha Beck's - Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a different past...."  In other words accepting what is.  Accepting that my father wanted or maybe even thought he was loving us, but all that he had to offer was abuse.

I hope that helps.  What I feel needs to be openly discussed is the dynamics of family and what to do when abuse lives on the inside. How to heal....and is it possible to stay in the same abusive relationships and not be victimized.

Hope that helps...somewhat. My son just hurt himself at hockey practice, I gotta run

Beth

Comment by Shari on November 28, 2011 at 7:14pm

Well said Beth- however, I was wondering if you would elaborate on your thought,

"Perhaps instead of Stopping abuse, we need to start supporting estrangement if It means stopping abuse. "

This is an interesting concept. 

Comment by Beth Jukuri on November 28, 2011 at 7:16am

The legacy of abuse continues for the lack of new patterns being set that offer an alternative.  However, in our generation, with the internet and sites such at this one, along with Facebook and blogging, we are now able to share with many our wisdom in overcoming the legacy that was set in place for generations.

It all begins with you.  You be the change you want to see in the world. If each family had one or two individuals that stopped the chain, it will reduce the volume. 

Abuse has be a silent disease that is now being spoken about....it will take time to undo the beliefs and thoughts.  

It is that many are unaware of options or have seen someone stand up against abuse, most often they are taught how to endure, but not leave.

We are slowly redefining many old beliefs that have kept many folks anchored to abusive families.  From what is a healing definition of forgiveness...that leads to freedom, not bondage....to how stopping abuse means, stop supporting parents that abuse etc. 

We have beliefs that family is family no matter what....which keeps you without options.  Perhaps instead of Stopping abuse, we need to start supporting estrangement if It means stopping abuse. 

For 90% of abuse happens with someone you know...and 50% with family...Along with religious beliefs that forgive and move on....church and families own a huge part of abuse.  Sacred places no one wants to taint....

It would be much easier if the disease was a boogy man, a monster etc....but it is a Father, a uncle and a friend.  

And most often we, the adults, fail the child by not believing in the horrid actions or not seeing the changes....the scars in the eyes.  

When nothing in your lives change, but a child does, it means that someone in your life is now hurting the child.  Rarely is it a stranger....but we are afraid of them and relax around our family members.  

When we start looking deeply at church and family we will find the root causes of abuse.

Comment by Shari on November 28, 2011 at 6:30am

Vinanti-  You are more than welcomed to start any discussion here in our group, (this is your group as well.)  I'm sure all of us feel the same- we need to look and find solutions to and for the issue of violence against women and children. 

I'm so very sorry to hear of what happened to one of your scriptwriters...  I too,  have noticed, when you look into someones eyes, you can see the scars and pain left behind.

Blessings...

Shari

 

Comment by Vinanti Sarkar Castellarin on November 27, 2011 at 8:07pm

Thank you Shari for your welcome ...

It is important to move and look and find some solutions ... Can I start a discussion with your group asking them to give their opinions on how we can bring together ideas to stop domestic violence ?  Educating the family ... drunkard father or mother ? psychological twisted mental violence of child and parent ? defining what family love means ?  Father's, uncles and brother's with twisted minds molesting their young girls ? daughters, neices, sisters ? Mothers strictly bringing up children ?

As a filmmaker it is important to go beyond the domestic violence act and find solutions for both the victim and the victor ... and what is the real story behind the shady truths in court ...

One of my scriptwriters was "gang raped" by her classmates - close friends -  at the age of 12-13 ... and the scars remain in her eyes ... though she turned into a beautiful intelligent human being ...

Best wishes and peace,

Vinanti

Comment by Shari on November 27, 2011 at 7:45pm

Welcome to our group Vinanti and thank you for your contribution of your video clip.  I had no idea these kinds of things were going on in India as far forcing young girls to marry, etc...

Domestic Violence is unfortunately, an on-going thing, not only here in our country, but in every corner of the world...

Blessings,

Shari

Comment by Vinanti Sarkar Castellarin on November 27, 2011 at 2:39pm

After an assignment in India last year ... I found that there is so much domestic violence both mentally and physically being borne by young women and children, so I made this 4 min film for people to understand that it is not money that will solve the problem by women themselves ... learning and trusting each other and demanding their rights  ... In this video clip - I blame all mothers, grandmothers, aunts,uncles - fathers and brothers for what is happening to young girls between the ages of 11-15 where their are being forced into marriage as "baby producers" short life spans and no freedom of choice for being born a female.

CSR - Empowering Rural Girl Child: Against Child Marriages

There is so much to be done in empowering women - but first and foremost - educating men and women ... teenagers to adulthood ... that a girl is a human being ... not a beast of burden like the ox, donkey or cow ... to do your work and be told how to live her life without being educated and with no choices throughout her life ... Even in the West, girls are treated at the same level until she realizes she does not have to take the miscarriage of her existence in a man's world ...

 

 

Comment by Kay Van Hoesen on August 25, 2011 at 1:18pm

Love you too. And always remember how special you are!

Comment by Shari on August 25, 2011 at 11:58am

WOW!  Kay- *chuckle*  I can only hope!  LOL  Love you girl!!!  And thanks for the confidence booster.....*smile*

Comment by Kay Van Hoesen on August 25, 2011 at 11:17am

Shari, you already are an angel! Of that, I'm convinced. :)

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